It’s
the end of my first semester at the college that has become “my place”. I love
it here. It’s amazing; the atmosphere, the people, the love and acceptance
coupled with, and strengthened by, a genuine devotion to my God by more people
than I could have ever anticipated. There isn’t anything particularly
extraordinary about the college itself. It’s pretty small, with a beautiful
campus, and a Christ-focus, nestled in a tiny town in which there is next to
nothing to do. On paper it doesn’t stand out as the funnest, most exciting
place to go. But, I know it is where I am supposed to be. I fit better here
than I’ve ever fit in anything before. So, to me, it is extraordinary.
Ending
my first semester here is bittersweet. On the one hand, I really enjoyed school
and a new semester does mean change. I loved this semester so much that, even
if the next one is better, I still wanted to enjoy this one a bit longer. It
was a beautiful beginning, and I don’t think I was quite ready to turn the page
yet.
On
the other hand, I’m thrilled to be done with Statistics. Holy cow, that class
was a rough one. I was placed in Statistics the night before classes started. I
was sitting on the floor, computer in my lap, and I looked up at my couch full
of new friends and said, “Guys, I can’t do this. I’m going to fail.” I believed
I would. Math has never been my thing. It’s always been a frustrating bunch of
nothingness that never made sense at all. But thankfully, regular studying with
a friend kept me accountable for the homework, and I made it out with a
surprisingly good grade.
That’s
actually how a lot of the semester went; I’d get an assignment, or make a
friend, or something would happen and I’d think “there is no way I can do
this”, but God always provided a way for me to not just handle what was in
front of me, but to handle it with success far beyond what I’d anticipated. I
learned a lot about how little I can handle on my own, and how much more I can
handle when I let God be the shoulders that bear the weight. It was so much
easier to live a relatively busy life when I did one thing at a time to the
best of my ability, and talked to God about all of it. The frustration was less
frustrating, the hurt was less painful, and the joy was so much brighter when I
didn’t keep it all to myself. On the days when I did put it all on myself, and
I was way too tired, and all I wanted to do was hit something, God provided
people to surprise me with M&Ms, encouraging notes, a call from home,
coffee dates, and laughter. He’d remind me that I was doing it all wrong. He’d
be patient, and sometimes it definitely took a few days, but eventually I’d pay
attention and He’d give me His peace again. That was always pretty cool.
Near
the beginning of the semester, my dad told me to abide in Christ. I prayed that
God would help me to do that. I think I’m beginning to understand what it means
to “abide” in a day-to-day life. It’s still really fuzzy and I get in my own
way more often than not, but He’s showing me Himself! And He completely blows
me away.
I
think the biggest thing I have learned since August is that I really do want to
be like God. Something I guess I’ve heard most of my life that I never really
thought about is that Christians are to be made like Christ. As we are further
sanctified, we do become more like Him, our character becomes more like His,
and we are more conformed to His image. That’s such a wonderful thing.
I
guess I never really broke that down in my mind. It was like this package deal
where I just become more like Him, less selfish, more loving, merciful,
gracious, etcetera.
The
thing about these past few months is that I’ve realized that, though I’m called to be more like God, I actually want to be more like Him. Not just
because God is God and I should be like Him, but it’s because… God is amazing.
The
more I’ve gotten to know Him, the more I actually want to be like Him. It isn’t
that I have this guilty obligation to be like Him. I am astounded by who He is,
and even the remote possibility that my character could reflect His in any way
is a thought that brings tears to my eyes even as I type this.
It’s
akin to the times that I want to be like another person. I admire aspects of
their personality. I want to emulate them. That’s how I feel about God. The
more I read about who He is and experience Him in my own life, the more like
Him I want to become!
His
love and mercy, creativity and structure, grace and holiness, His beautiful,
perfect balance between characteristics that seem to almost contradict; it’s
overwhelming. He has put to rest so many
of my fears and insecurities by simply being there. He encourages me in ways
that only He can. He’s forgiven me of things I still struggle with forgiving
myself for, and accepted me before I even knew how to explain that I didn’t
accept myself. It blows me away that He reveals Himself in everyday life. I can
watch, experience, and learn. He’s my Savior and He’s incredible! He’s
trustworthy, constant, safe, and everything good.
And
I…
I
just want to be like Him.
