Two Hands.

I think someday there will be someone who won’t leave.

I think someday there will be someone who will see me as worth fighting for.

I don’t think they will be without fault,

Or fear,

Or struggles that make that fight a difficult one.

I simply believe they will be willing to fight.

That’s all I really want.

I want someone to see me as worth that fight.

Fear is only as big as you let it be

And struggles only win when you give up

And insecurities can find their rest within confidence gained through knowing that God is right.

But I don’t want to be worth that fight just because of who I am, because

it isn’t me.

I’m broken,

and I struggle,

and frankly I know that most people will leave and it’ll take a lot for me to believe that someone would want me forever.

I’m not enough of a reason, because I’m human, and eventually I’ll fail.

Eventually I won’t do it right,

I’ll let him down,

I will disappoint.

I’m not enough.

But God?...

God is enough.

And love

is enough.

And I guess when God told me to love, I realized that to do so effectively, I had to be willing to fight all the things in my life that hinder love.

I would have to fight my fear, my insecurities, my struggles, because God told me to love, and in order to obey, I have to fight.

And I guess one day I believe that someone will be willing to love me.

But they will see that I only have two hands,

two hands that I can either stretch out to embrace all the Lord puts in my life,

or can be weighed down with the responsibility of keeping his attention;

But they are not strong enough to do both.

They were not meant to be.

I was given two hands,

But for only one purpose.

Love is a choice.

It is not something I can earn because I am human and it is perfect.

Love is a gift that must be freely given, and anything else is a lie.

It is not love.

So I do believe, someday, there will be someone who will choose to love me.

Not because of me,

but because of Him.

I look forward to meeting that man, and knowing I’ll be safe in his love because it won’t be dependent on me.

It won’t be dependent on me,

or my actions,

or my ability to please him,

or that expectation that I will.

But instead,

it will be dependent on God.

And God never fails.

So

just as I will never have a reason to give up my fight,

he will never have a reason to give up his.

As Small as I Feel

I woke up and rolled over to my phone. It was 9:00am. I’m so glad it’s summer. This is the latest I’ve slept in so long.

I breathed in deep and opened a message from one of my best friends. She’d sent me a picture with Matthew 9:25-27 highlighted. “And they went and woke Him up, saying, ‘Save us Lord; we are perishing.’ And He said to them, ‘Why are you afraid, Oh you of little faith?’ then He rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.”

“I love this verse” my friend said.

I wiped the sleep from my eyes and smiled, thankful that I have friends who send me things like this. We talked for a little bit about God’s power and what this verse said about who He is. Because of that exchange, I wrote a message to her that struck me even as I typed the words: “It amazes me how powerful He is over the things that we allow to have power in our lives.”

How many times have I felt overwhelmed by something beyond my control? How many times in my life have I felt under the power of a circumstance, situation, a sickness, or person that has had extreme influence over an aspect of my life? There are times I have felt trapped, out of control, and at a complete loss for independent action.

And in these moments, I feel so very small.

In my experience with these situations it doesn’t really matter what the powerful object is; the feeling remains the same. It’s a smallness that comes with the knowledge that there is nothing I can do to fix whatever is going on.

It’s good to know that to God, those powerful things are as small as I feel.

It’s all small to Him. Not insignificant, just small; containable; malleable… something He has full power over. That’s my God.

“Be anxious for nothing…” God is in control.

It’s not a huge thought. It isn’t something you haven’t heard before. It’s not something I’ve never heard before! But today there was a slight change in my heart. I gave over a perspective to God that I’d been holding onto; and that was simply that sometimes my problems are too big. Sometimes, because they seem so big to me, I believe that they must be that big, or at least a little big, to God. Not that He can’t overcome them, or can’t control them, but simply that I believe it will probably take some work for Him to do so.

I have been so wrong.

He is the only big thing in this entire universe.

Everything is His to control. He allows for things to happen that are against His will for His ultimate glory, but that does not mean that the things He allows are too big for Him to change. Nothing would be “hard” for Him to change.

I think sometimes that’s harder for me to believe. Because in my limited view of life, I see world peace and an end to world hunger and human trafficking and all these things that just prove how desperately we need Him… I see that these things are not in accordance to His will for this world. So I think it’s sometimes easier to believe that they’re a little too big for Him to change. And they simply aren’t! He’s just allowing it.

One day, there will be no more tears.

One day, there will be no more darkness.

One day, peace will reign because the Prince of Peace will be upon the Throne and all the world will bow before Him praising His Name, knowing with everything that makes their very beings that He is the Lord of all.

That day is coming.

And in the mean time, He has given us an opportunity. A very big, lifelong opportunity to operate within these dark circumstances and situations that have power over us and keep us from always living the perfect white-picket fence lives we want for ourselves. The moments where our lives seem perfect, and a sickness hits, or death takes away a loved one, or a difficult person enters our lives, these are not things God does not have power over. He has simply allowed them.

One day they will be gone because God has that power, He’s just waiting to use it worldwide. But sometimes, in the intimacy of our lives, He does use it. We call those moments ‘miracles’.  The moments when the things we knew we had no control over are changed, and our prayers are given the answer we were asking for, and we stand back humbly, knowing that it was all God.

One day, the world will see those moments.

But it won’t be a moment.

It will be forever.

It will be the Kingdom of Heaven.

And we will call it Home.