Trusting Him

God has been teaching me a lot about trusting in Him. I wish I could go into all the stories of how He has proven Himself, but I want to get to the point of this post.

Something I just read in my quite time was a verse in Isaiah 26. There have been several times where God used this book of the Bible to change my entire view of something with just a few short words.

The verse I would like to call attention to is verse 3, which reads, “You keep him in in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.”

Something I’ve found is I want the peace before I trust. I want the guarantee of safety before I fall.

I don’t want to trust God first, because that means I actually have to trust Him. And trust is scary. If I have a guarantee that He will be there to guide me and give me that “peace that surpasses all understanding” then I could “trust” that He would help me through. I could trust Him if I knew beforehand what to expect.

The problem with me is simply this:

I don’t want to have to trust that what He says is true. I don’t want to be dependent on only His word. I want proof before I lay my life on His mysterious plans. I want to know.

A message I recently heard struck me. The speaker said something to the effect of, “what we really want is answers. What God wants is intimacy. But we only say we want intimacy with God. When we are really honest with ourselves, we want to know the answers to our questions so we can do it ourselves. We don’t want to need God.”

I realized that this statement rings partly true for me. I desire an intimate relationship with God, but sometimes what I want my answers, my peace, my assurance in life more than the opportunity to better know and trust My Creator. In the moments where I have to choose between really putting my trust in Him, and freaking out because I don’t understand, I don’t see it as a time to let go and get to know God better, I see it as a time where I become really focused on my own problems and I talk myself into trying to wait for God to just show up and fix everything for me.

I’ve been looking at it all wrong…

Another thing I have found is that, for me, is more than one stage to trusting God… There is trusting Him to take care of me, and for a long time that’s all I thought trust was. Saying, “God, I’m giving this up to You.” But… I’ve found that for me, there is a stage of trust that happens before that. I have to trust that God really means it when He says He has the best in mind for me. I have to trust that His Word is in fact trustworthy. Not only do I have to say, “God, I trust You with *fill in the blank*” but I have to say, “God, I trust in who You say You are. I trust Your promises. I trust that You love me, that You created me with a plan and a purpose, and I trust that though I don’t understand something right now, that You do. And I trust that You have a reason for keeping me from understanding.” And only then can I say, “So God, please take my *fill in the blank*”

The next verse addresses this a little bit, “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”

Rocks are firm. They are powerful. It only took a pebble from David to kill a giant named Goliath. But God isn’t just a pebble; He is an Everlasting Rock, the boulder of our salvation. He will not be moved. His words are forever, His character is forever, and time is not a point of worry for Him. He is all powerful, almighty, all knowing, all loving, and the Master of this plan we call Life.

I have learned that these truths are something I have to trust first, before I can manage to let the grip on my fears go. I have to constantly, consistently trust God's promises. I can’t just trust them when a Pastor says so in church, or when I’m reading my Bible. I have to always know that God is who He says He is…

See, when I’m sitting with my Bible, it’s easy to believe the words. But when I leave my sanctuary with Jesus, and go into the world of discomfort, deadlines, harsh people, oversights and under-preparation, self-consciousness and people who do not make it easy, doubts and firm reasons to doubt… it’s hard to trust. When I’m standing on the bus, and the guy next to me has definitely not showered, and I haven’t eaten all day, I know for sure I’m going to be late to my next class, and my little doubts and worries are rushing around my head and I just want to throw my hands up and scream…

That’s when it’s hard to remember. And that’s when I start to take back the things I said I trusted God with. Those are the moments when I subconsciously wonder if “Just trusting” is really enough, and those are the moments I start to lose faith in who God says He is.

With brokenness, He can mend. With wounds, He can heal. With doubts, He can calm. And when I don’t have answers, He can become my resting place.

Not knowing is a blessing. Because when I don’t know, it leads me into a state of dependence where God shows me who He is Himself. And life isn’t about answers. I’m actually glad it isn’t. I’m thankful that God knows me well enough to know that He has to withhold things from me, so that I will search for Him in ways that I didn’t know existed before. When I don’t have it all figured out, I find parts of God I wouldn’t have known how to look for otherwise.  

First 24

Well, I'm here. At college. Yippee. Huzzah. Mission. Accomplished.

After a 7 hour drive, my family and I arrived on campus. My little brother stayed home, but the rest of the 6 of us were here. The car was so crammed...

Pulling onto the campus itself was a bit more than a little stressful... Downloading the campus map on my phone and trying to figure out real world compared to the drawing on the internet of streets and such was...less than fun.

My two roommates and I showed up at about the same time. We all said hello, and, good news! I don't think either will kill me in the middle of the night and blame it on my socks...

My older brother, little sister and Dad were so wonderful and ran back and forth from the car to my new second floor dorm room with all my junk.
I was so afraid I would have a gigantic amount of stuff, and my roommates wouldn't... thankfully, we all had a gigantic amount of junk. So it was good.

My parents and brother went to Walmart to pick up a few more things, and my sister stayed and helped me organize my things. She decided that she did not like the way I had folded my shirts, and very decidedly moved them from the shelf I had originally placed them on, folded them "The right way" and put them in the shelf she thought was best. It was in that moment that my stomach dropped a little at the thought of saying goodbye to my hilarious and strong-willed little sister.

My family returned with two bags of extras, and my sister made us wait to say goodbye because she "had to make sure this looked good.". I love her. so much...
A few minutes passed, and my sister's mission was complete. The 5 of us walked outside, and I hugged my mom who was beginning to tear up. Then my sister, then my brother, my dad who prayed for me, again my mom, and then my dad again. I hugged everyone once more. Mama started to walk to the car, while my sister teased my dad that she "got the last hug.". "Bye Mel," she said finally, "Don't flunk out. I love you!"

I was tearing a little, but they were still there! It was okay.
But then...
They all got in the car. Without me...
And they pulled out of the parking space.
The car accelerated, and I realized that they were really going.
And I was alone...
Mama waved. Dad waved. I waved.
The car turned.
I couldn't see them.
And suddenly, I couldn't breathe.
I stood there until I couldn't see the car anymore.
There was a group of guys waiting for the bus watching me. I smiled at them weakly.
'This is normal' I thought. 'This is good. I'm okay. This is natural. This is college. I'm fine."
I walked back into the dorm hall, down to the hall bathroom, walked into one of the stalls, locked it, leaned against it, and cried.
Not much.
But that empty, lost feeling got a hold of me for a minute and I couldn't stop it.
It only lasted a minute though, until I told myself to stop. I whimpered a little, bit my lip. Then I stood up straight, wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, held it, and let it out.
I could do this thing.
It'll be okay.

I went back to the dorm and talked with my roommates as I continued unpacking. I joked about all sorts of things and I pretended that I wasn't scared.
After an hour or so we were called for dinner. Our dorm met up with our brother dorm and walked over to the Rot, (the dining hall). I found my cousin, and I hugged her so hard. Plus the two other girls I met while I was up here for a College For a Weekend retreat-type-thing. They remembered me. I felt cool.

After that, I met a few new people, and we all headed over to the Vine's Center (another building on campus) to watch Star Trek. I sat next to a guy I had met just then and the roommate who'd I'd hung out with all afternoon. Our other roommate had met up with some of her other friends and we couldn't find her during the movie.
My friend from home, (other than my cousin, the only person on campus I knew when I arrived) showed up about halfway through the movie and the guy I was sitting next to moved down so my friend could sit with me. I was exhausted, and looking forward to getting back to the dorm. So, when it ended, I walked with my friend and my roommate to the bus stop. My friend had to take the bus back to his dorm, so we said goodnight and made a lose plan to hang out the next day. My roommate and I managed to walk in the opposite direction of our dorms and by the time we realized our mistake and walked back in the direction of the dorms, we had almost walked the length of the campus. Yeah. It was my fault. I'm not good with maps...


Today, in the Vine's center we had all sorts of booths set up. It was a get-to-know the city type thing. It was really helpful, because I got information about banks in the area, churches in the area, a buttload of coupons, and information about possible job offers from places looking specifically for college students.

I have met many new people, but I feel a little creepy giving them nicknames and writing about them on here, so I'm just going to leave it at, "I've met new people!"

And that's about all for now.

The first 24 hours of college?
Complete.

Thinkidy Thoughts

Just for fun, I decided to write down some of my thoughts while packing for college:

"Packing...  Is just basically the joyous experience wherein I get to touch every article of clothing I own in one extremely long sitting...yay...."

"Is this even worth bringing? No... not really... But do I give it away? It seems so disloyal to give it away. If this shirt was a person it would call me a horrible friend. I am such a bad person."

"This song is driving me up the wall, but I have my entire drawer of teeshirts in my lap and it is just too much effort to get up and change it. I hope it ends soon.".... <30 seconds later>...."Never mind, it's totally worth it."

"So many socks..."

"I do not have enough room for all of these socks."

"Oh gosh, I'm gonna cry. Is it normal to cry over socks? I don't know. Probably not... why do I have so many socks.... I love socks..."

"Children are starving in Africa, and I'm crying over socks..."

"I'd like some goldfish... but I don't want goldfish breath... and I don't want to get up... So I won't."

"My roommates are probably going to be evil and kill me in my sleep. They'll blame it on the socks too. ' I was just sleeping in my bed when I heard a crash, I looked over and she had choked on a sock and fallen off the bed.' and people will believe them because I'll have so many socks that my only logical downfall would be to die tragically by my love."

"Why do I only have one mitten?"

"I will not take the Sesame Street sock."... <Literally 5 seconds later>... "But it has a name. It should come."

"My Mom is the best woman I know."

"Why in the world do I have four bathing suit cover ups? I know that I have purchased none of these... Where did they come from..."

"'Don't you know you're special, Don't you know you're special... Let them see your heart, let them see just how beautiful you are...'"

"I think my spine may just peel off of my body and walk away."

"My fingernails are truly too short to peel off this sticker... This is unfortunate...."

"I'm really glad I made a pile of junk in front of my closet. That was awesome thinking, Melissa. Really. Just... awesome."

"I am really loved... And I want to open these letters now."

"I need to wash my hands... they have that haven't-been-washed-in-a-while feeling."

"Why is my nose running?"

"Magnifying glass... why would I need this? But if I do need it, I'll feel really dumb to not have it... It's tiny. I'll bring it. I guess. Should I? Ughhhhhhughugh.... Fine. I'll just bring it."

"That's it. I'm not going. I'm not going to college. I give up. I'm just going to stay here and suffocate and die beneath my gigantic mounds of crap."

"that was a truly unfortunate noise my body just made. I don't even know what that was! How did that happen..."

"If my body was a person, I have a feeling they would be a rather fascinating."

"A goat just curled up and died in my mouth. I need a piece of gum. In a desperate sort of way."

"Q-tips are God's way of letting me know He still loves me..."

"I really want to take a nap."

"My bangs are out of control."

 "I really appreciate men with muscles."

"Coke Zero is the best invention ever."

"I think I'm a crazy person. I really just think I'm going insane."

...<And only a few moments later>...

"Wow. It's all done."

And so it is.

Preparing to Leave the Nest

Today was the three day mark…

Three days until I leave…

I’ve been excited about the idea of college for over a year now. It’s the beginning of so many things! Good things. 

But all of the sudden, it’s here. I had a month of camp in July, and it flew by, and now the days are racing and I can’t quite seem to hold on… I can’t hold on to my family, as we’re laughing around the dinner table… I can’t hold on to my friends, as they’re telling me little things about their life and I’m holding their hands in prayer… I can’t hold on to the young man I’m in a relationship with, when he creates a story out of nothing, just to make me smile. I can’t hold on. I know I’ll come back home in a few months, I’ll be home for breaks, but…

I’ll miss so many nights with my family, laughing around the dinner table. I’ll miss the look in my friends’ eyes that make me ask if they’re okay. I’ll miss moments that could turn into silly stories with my fellow… Though I’ll come back, I will miss so much while I’m gone.

And then there’s the fear of fitting in while I’m gone. I mean, right now I’m surrounded by people who both know and love me. I’m about to go somewhere that I’m not known at all.

Since third grade, I haven’t been in a formal classroom setting. Sure, we went to a homeschooling co-op, but I was being taught by my friends’ moms! And I’m about to go to a pretty huge college to be taught in a classroom full of a ridiculous amount of people, where, if I don’t make the effort to know my professor, I can easily just… not be known.

I’m living with two other girls that I barely know.

I’m gonna try to get a job at some point.

I’m going to be in charge of my own… well, almost everything!

It’s all so new.

And I’m pretty uneasy…

My Mama and I recently went to buy college things. I got a comforter, two sets of sheets, a desk lamp, an iron and tiny ironing board, a plastic set of drawers, and a handful of other strange things to make my college dorm my own. Aqua became my color!  And it was so much fun to be with Mama… But during the time of picking out the things I needed from the mass amount of comforters, sheet sets, lamps, and countless other things calling out to me; I began to almost panic. The uneasiness became truly real…

Today was the day I said goodbye to most everyone. My friends, my church, my fellow… It was hard… I cried a little, then decided to Man-up and wait until I cannot keep from crying to let go and finally cry. Right now though, I’m in a state of emotional stuffing, and I’m perfectly happy with it. Until the stress of everything hits me and I once again revert back to my Mommy-Daughter-Shopping-Day Panic.

And it is at this point that I have to decide to either let myself go into a mental world of stress while entertaining the unknowns of this next experience or to fight the unknowns, the stress, and allow God to quiet my soul. Sometimes, like today, it takes longer for me to give it up and allow God in. A couple times a tear or two fill my eyes before I blink them away and allow Him to remind me that this is His plan for me. I’m going where He wants me to be.He has lead me this far, and He will walk with me through every door during orientation. He will stand beside me as I shake every hand. He will calm my escaping tears when it’s too late to be awake on September the 12^th, knowing my little sister turned 15 and I won the good sister award by being 6 hours away.

He will keep me safe, when I’m not surrounded by the safety of my whole group of friends, and I’m alone.

And now, at this point, that uneasiness seems… altogether silly. Because though I’m leaving my home, my family, and my friends who have become like family, I’m going with the One Who has planned this whole thing!

I’ve never been in a better place, because I’m following the Leader who knows the answers to all of my uncertainties. Though it is new to me, it is nothing of the sort to Him.

And this time next year, I will be that much closer to being the person He has created me to be. And that?

That is exciting. 

And I Saw Me

I know it has been a ridiculously long time since I’ve written, but… okay, I really don’t have an excuse worthy to be read, so I’ll just go on.

This summer was beautiful. Prague absolutely fantastic, and… I loved the time I spent there. If you ever get a chance to visit, do, because it is the experience of a lifetime. Adding to that the time with my family, and meeting new friends, I just… I couldn’t have asked for more.

But when I came home, my life took a bit of a different turn, and this turn ended up being the highlight of Summer 2012.

I came home stronger than I had been. I knew who I was, or at least, I had a better idea. I had grasped a newfound love of God, and depth of relationships with my family that I would never have had without that trip across the ocean. And, I had allowed myself to feel everything I had held on to for so long… 

When I was in Prague, I was being poured in to, and when I came home, I was given the opportunity to turn around and give it out to others. 

Church camp.

A few weeks after I got home, camp started. I’d never gone to a camp before, and I loved it! For the first week, I was a camper. And then I spent the next three weeks being a counselor to younger campers experiencing a summer’s highlight of their own.

I’ve never been a part of something so wonderful in my whole life…

God gave me the opportunity to pray with a little girl as she accepted Christ… sat with her little body in my lap as she prayed for Him to be the Leader of her life.

I held the hands of girls who poured their hearts out to me; some of which were truly terrible things that they, “had never told anyone before”. I watched as God used messages and songs and verses to not only give them the confidence to open up, but the courage to take His Word as truth. I watched as He healed little broken hearts, and wooed children to Himself.

I’m still in touch with several of the girls from my groups, cabins, and from just hanging out during free time. God really is working in them… And He gave me the chance to be a part of it all! It was just… the best month. Though it was the messiest, longest, most emotionally, physically, and in all other ways draining month in my life; all of that seemed to add to it all! I cleaned, served food, stayed up late, got up early, and had to be “on” all day long. There were names to remember, personalities to mesh, hands to hold, words to be said, and words to be listened to. There were songs to sing, messages to take in, and devotionals to read and re-stated in simpler terms to a group of children I had only known a few days

There are so many stories I have to share from these weeks, but right now, I want to simply share one. I’ve been itching to write it since it happened! So I guess it’s time to finally share.

During the Middle School week at camp, there was a little boy, G.C., who was a sweet as sweet can be. He was always smiling, and always seemed to have something new to talk about. His dad was a counselor as well, and their relationship was precious. You could see the love in how they talked to and treated one another.
G.C. was and is wonderful, and his disability almost seems to add to the person that he is. I’m unsure as to what his specific disability is, but he has trouble doing most anything at all. Even a regular conversation can be a struggle for him. That doesn’t hinder G.C. though… no, not at all. And because of that, I have truly grown to admire this young man.

On the last day of the week, the kids were on their way home. Parents and children alike were running all over the place; grabbing this last thing, thanking that person, grabbing, losing and then re-finding their extra children. Music was playing through the giant speakers on the stage, and small groups of unclaimed kids were dancing along, playing basketball, or engaging in their own little games.

Then, music stopped, and one of the men’s voices was heard. He announces that G.C. has something to share…

Through great effort, G.C.’s voice rose out over everyone, as he told his story of how God touched him one night during the week. The details were lost to me, but I knew the core of his words. God had showed Himself to G.C….

Listening to his voice, I marveled, “Wow God…” I thought, “He is so broken… yet You were able to touch him through all his problems. You are so mighty. It amazes me that You could even do that! I mean, I know You made G.C., but… You got through to him, despite everything! How? That’s just… wow, God… You are… so… so powerful…”

And then, mid-marvel,  a quiet voice spoke to my soul… and this simple sentence knocked the breath out of me, and brought tears to my eyes:

“You see how broken he is on the outside?… that is you on the inside.”

Oh… wow…

My eyes were locked on G.C.. Instead of his wheelchair, I saw my scarred heart, bruised and broken from every lie I’ve forced myself to believe. Instead of his hands, I saw my own, covered in the dirt of my own pride and self-centeredness. As his mouth formed struggled sentences, I saw mine; pouring words that have hurt more people than I could ever stand to know. I saw my anger. I saw my hatred. I saw my stubbornness. I saw my scarred arms, broken from trying to hold the weight of the world, instead of letting God hold it for me.

I looked at G.C…

And I saw me.

And as I saw G.C. proclaiming his miraculous revelation of whom God is… I saw myself, proclaiming from my brokenness, that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to reach down through all my junk… and reveal Himself to me.

That’s love, guys. That's love.

           

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